February 19, 2007
So today is just one of those days. It's getting back into the swing of things. I am so glad I designed my week so that Mondays are a part of a day off. It is helpful especially with the crazy weekends that we have been having for me to make sure homework is done. Spend time in devotions and get ready for the week (i.e. clean up stuff that is a mess, make dinner for tonight and tomorrow). I have been reading The Little Flowers of Saint Francis this weekend for a class that I am taking. Now I know the book is not totally accurate but my understanding is that it is suppose to reflect the spirit of the Franciscans. Some of it is hard to take, such as Francis' works redeeming people's souls (a reflection of the Catholic view at that time I guess) and his saying unless you give up everything and become totally poor you may not be saved. I guess I think sometimes that yes, especially here in America we have way to much. But then again I guess I feel like his whole thing was preaching to the lost, spending lots of time in contemplation of God and begging for food among other things. I feel like in some ways that is a waste of the talents God has given us. Now I very much believe that we are to be "preaching" to the lost, spending lots of time with God but then I also feel like there do need to be some people who have stuff so that they can give to the church, the poor, and different things. If God has blessed you with a mind that is good at science, I feel like you would be wasting the talents he has given you if you never do anything to further science and only sat in the woods and prayed.
Maybe I have stretched it too far and maybe I am fighting to say what we have is ok but I think I was taught that though we may have been blessed with anything (and not rich but with the basics and more) we use what we have been given to help others out. We use it to be hospitable and have others over…and so forth. Overall though the book is very good, rich in making you think about your relationship with God. I am put off by the penance because a good part of the book is all about making up for your sins and I don't believe we can ever do that. We ask for forgiveness and strive to not do it again. As we talked about in class Francis was a little over the top in penance and it seemed that in some ways it became an idol to him as he searched out ways to become a martyr.
I feel stuck in a rut in some ways today. I feel like I am trying to be faithful and spend time with God each day but in many ways I just feel like I am fulfilling the requirements of the two classes this semester who are requiring me to do so. I think I am angry that one of the classes wants to know how much time you spent practicing the presence of God because then I feel like I am put on the spot. I have been trying to make my life a little less busy so I have time to spend with God but at the same time right now, I have to see clients to graduate and I have to keep up with homework and I have to spend time with Caleb and keep our relationship good. I am not saying God is not important and that I don't want to spend time with him but one proff made me feel bad that I do not "sacrifice" and spend 2 hours a day with God. He talked about how he gets up 2 hours early and has some time built in if he misses that 2 hours. That makes me angry because I feel like he doesn't take into consideration what our lives may look like. Yes overall some days it may be 2 hours b/t reading books, devotions, praying and journaling…oh well sorry for the rant…
On an upside it is beautiful today and said to be in the 70s later this week…should be fun!
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