new books

One of my sweet friends and I have decided to read the book Calm My Anxious Heart. It is suppose to help us not be so anxious and more content if we are able to put into practice what it is saying. I read the first chapter yesterday and felt like God was being very direct with my soul. I am really looking forward to diving into the book. It also has a bible study w/ it I think I am going to do.



Anyways, as I think I have said before I have been having bad panic attacks and a lot of anxiety. Most of it is related to my health. I have had chest pains most of my life which as far as we can tell through tests and such really is just growing pains I never outgrew. They also are anxiety related but I often have a hard time wrapping my brain around the fact that anxiety attacks cause sharp chest pains. I also have still had alot of muscle weakness most of my day. Some days are better than others. I find out tomorrow a hopefully last set of test results to make sure the Metformin didn't do any permanent damage to my muscles. So far thank God the tests have come back clean and it may just take time they are saying for my body to get back into the swing of things....Also (and guys you can skip this next line) I haven't started my period still (going on 4 months but I have had more cramping and mood swings and so I'm wondering if I feel so bad b/c I might actually finally start or just b/c I haven't started....



So I started to read the book yesterday and really felt God speak. She starts out by talking about a girl who is so negative despite her good life and a women who is so positive despite her bad life. I often wonder if we don't need more suffering in our lives to help us to understand how good we have it. But needless to say, it hit me. I often feel like I am fairly positive but Caleb has mentioned several times recently how come I always look at the negative side. I also realized in an email yesterday to above said friend that it was mostly negative things about my life. I really have it good and so I made a list of a couple things I am thankful for:

overall good health
a good and loving husband
a house and the ability to pay the mortgage and bills
money for food and "necessary" items, plus money to buy some fun things on occasion
a great church and loving church family
the rain and the sun
an awesome family and extended family and a great relationship with them all
an awesome group of friends
the ability to freely worship God

I could go into more depth of even little things like the stuff we are able to have at the house, personal items, access to the internet, tv ability....

but I started to realize that I often feel that I have to talk about what is going badly in my life. I think part of this is due to feeling depressed so often and sometimes I just need to say what is depressing me and move on. But I often feel the same people keep getting that dumped on them. I was even thinking that my greatest heartach right now is the lack of children but even in that I am thankful for the ability to work and get work experience b/f we have kids and pay off debt so hopefully I can stay home when we do as well as the ability to hopefully adopt should it come down to that.

She put a quote in from the women who had it rough but was so positive that I think I am going to put several places to remind me

"Never allow yourself to complin about anything - not even the weather
Never picture yourself in any other circumstances or someplace else
Never compare your lot with another
Never allow yourself to wish this or that had been otherwise
Never dwell on tomorrow - remember that [tomorrow] is God's, not ours" page 13

As the auther puts it her words did shame me in some senses. I realized that my anxiety and negative attitude come from almost all those areas. Now my health is worrying to me b/c I don't have an answer to why I feel the way I do but still, my life is a gift from God and it really is his to take away or give. I need to be grateful for the time given and use it well.

I loved this quote as well, "God has lovingly assigned each of us to be a uniquely special teacup. Perhaps we're an antique cup, painted with dainty roses set in gold. Maybe we see ourselves as an everyday cup - useful, but a little chipped around the edges. Or we could be a heavy-duty mug - rugged, unbreakable, and able to hold much. Then God fills our cup with our portion, what He determines best. Our portion is our physical and emotional being, our abilities, circumstances, roles, and relationships...Every cup-whether dainty china or rough-hewn pottery - has a handle...We either choose to grasp it by the handle and life it to Him, saying "I accept my portion; I accept this cup," or we choose to smash our cup to pieces, saying, "God, I refuse my portion. This cup is not the right size for me and I don't like what You've put in it. I'll control my life myself." page 18

I sat after I read that and thought, who am I with my limited knowledge and intellect to say that what God gives me is wrong. There is a reason we don't have children yet and I don't know what it is but I know that I can choose to say, "God these health concerns and lack of children are not what I signed up for and I will not deal with it or I can graciously take what God has given to me and be thankful for what I do have and learn to draw closer to him in the midst of confusion. Of course this is easier said than done as I was anxious and had panic attacks last night...but today is a new day and I'm striving to learn to be content in him.