trust

So every once in a while God really reaches down and tries to teach me a lesson of trust. This would be one of those times. I have started this post over and over again but haven't been able to finish it because I feel it is either too negative or too winey. This morning on my way in to work I was listening to Laura Story's cd and was once again reminded of my lack of faith. I have a nice plan that I have made for my life and like my weekend I can already see the end of my life and it is coming way to fast. Now before you jump on and say that is awfully negative I don't mean it to be morbid. I have often stopped and thought about how I would feel if I am on my deathbed about my life and so often I have thought that I would have a lot of regrets. I am working on living more in the moment and enjoy what I have but I also often feel that I should have some sort of plan for the next couple of years.

One plan was to have 3-4 kids and now I do know God may still bless us with that but at this point I am really going to be grateful for one bilological child. And yes, I know this feels a little negative so I am going to preface it with the thought that I do know it is still early to say some of this but I want to speak of my fears so I can learn to trust God better. So I was diagnosed with PCOS which is a really crappy diagnosis last week. It was something I had wondered about for a while but my OBGYN didn't feel she needed to run blood tests until things started to get "bad" so to speak a little over two weeks ago. The results showed a 8 times difference in the numbers (you only need 3x difference to dx it). While they wasted 8 months in putting off the tests they wasted no time in getting me on meds. So I started last week, took two dosages and ended up with lactic acid build up in my muscles (my thinking was b/c I was out of shape, not well hydrated and not eatting well) and have been in pretty bad pain since. Today is the first day I would call the pain mild in that I still feel it but it is not terrible. That scared me so bad and got me pretty depressed b/c I started to think that all I know of is one other drug they can use to treat it.

Anyways, I'm at a point now where like I said before I will be grateful for one child much less more than that. I hope one day I will look back and shake my head at my lack of faith but it just feels hopeless and feels like my dreams to carry a child (b/c I know we could adopt) are going downhill fast.

This morning and today I have been reminded that despite my lack of faith or despite any good works I do there is nothing that I can do that will change the life God has already written for me (not in a fatalistic sense however). I know that if we have kids he has them planned. If we are called to adopt he will heal my heart and open those doors. In the mean time though it is a long and hard process for me. I feel lost and confused as I have not had many answers as to all that goes into PCOS and if it is even possible to treat it naturally. So as I sit and pray for faith and pray for God's will with an open heart I ask you to pray for healing and his will to take place soon and selfishly that some glimpse would be given soon....