I hate this

So I really get annoyed with people who do not understand depression. They are generally the ones that just say, "Oh you should pray harder" or "meds aren't needed, they change who you are" or "just buck up and get over it". Ok ya, some "depression" is self pity and needs to be gotten over but I rarely struggle with that. To be honest, I have some trouble counseling people who are self pity depressed people b/c I want to scream...don't you get it, this is self pity not depression, but I'm not to judge and so I try not to.

Anyways, I've been feeling it come for a couple days. Sometimes it's just a cycle thing, sometimes it is just out of the blue. Today I can't figure out which one. The last two or three weeks I have been sinking lower and lower and today I am really really bad. I was talking to a co-worker today (and disclaimer I'm not suicidal so don't go and call Caleb and freak out) about if she had ever had the urge to cut. In the past couple of years I have been very tempted to start cutting. Some people just cannot understand what cutting is all about but seriously, if the pain inside is just too much cutting really releives it. It lets you feel real pain, releases endorphins and you can watch yourself heal unlike pain in your soul which you cannot see or touch, you can't usually do anything about and you just have to suffer through it. I've noticed in the last couple weeks I've also started to become controlling about food. Not to an eatting disorder level (I like food too much and hate throwing up too much) but for a couple days I was restricting food and realized that I was doing it because it was about the only thing I could control. Anways, today as I sat at work I came seriously close to thinking about coming home and giving cutting a try b/c I am in so much pain.

Also, this is not a pity blog. I don't want people to try to make it better because you can't. It is a season and it may last a week or a couple days or a month I don't know, what I do know is it never really goes away. When depressed I generally go between crying and angry. I take it out on whoever is around and generally unless I'm somewhere safe or by myself I lash out in anger b/c I don't want to just sit and cry in public. The problem is there are no real safe places right now so I'm generally always angry. And for those who have experienced my anger I'm sorry.

I hate these demons. I struggle with so many demons I feel and I just don't know why. I mean I do know that it is for my good, to draw me closer to my God and to allow me to grow in him. It's like the thorn in Paul's side. But I sometimes hate the church for their perfectly put together lives. The lives they are afraid to get dirty or really share their struggles and so then people like me often feel alone. I so often feel that people get tired of me and my struggles and then they leave. I don't have any real examples but it is what I feel and maybe it's because I get tired with myself and want to leave. I wish I could describe the pain. I remember a journal entry I made in college where I said I feel like I am in this cold dark hole and I can sorta see the sun outside and I know that God is there somewhere but I just feel all alone and my body hurts and it feel like my soul cannot take anymore pain. I feel like I will never reach the sun again and even if I do I will just fall back to the bottom soon enough.

For years I thought it was just plain depression I struggled with then a couple years ago I did some testing b/c I had hit a point I was really struggling and they thought for a while I had Bipolar. I am not one to take lables w/o them being proven so I got a second opinion. They finally did ADHD testing and my scores were off the chart bad. In fact my psychiatrist about fell out of his chair when he saw them. He told me that most likely my depression comes from the lack of being like other people. The lack of focus, of ability to get things done, of feeling so chaotic most of the time and so forth and that all makes sense now. When I get depressed now I can usually find the trigger in something that stems from the ADHD. I have tried several meds over the years that haven't worked until we tried Strattera which was a wonder drug. I felt, well the only way I can put it is normal for the first time in my life. Mom didn't like it b/c she said it changed my personality but that was the longest period I went without feeling depressed and being on top of things. Then last year I decided to get off it so we could start trying to have a baby and this year has been misrable. I think it the mixture of being in a structured job w/o meds and all the other stuff that has gone on.

All this to say, for those of you who don't ever really struggle with depression, don't judge. You have no idea the pain and the hurt. You cannot just shake it and the lack of empathy makes it worse. Unless you've been there don't say anything, just pray and sit and listen.