Shifting Sand

So I was listening to this song the other day and thinking about how it like so many other songs fits my life. I sang this with an awesome group of musicians a couple years ago. I have sang a lot of songs in church and some were fun but I wasn't pleased at how the song went during performance. This song I remember distinctly came together so great. Josh and Jack played guitars, Carl if I remember correctly was on base and Kyle who had just flown in for the summer to work with the youth group picked it up quickly and played percussion. The words are so often very apt to my life...

Written by: Aaron Tate

Appears on: 40 Acres, Guild 3, Chronicles

Lyrics:

Sometimes I believe all the lies
So I can do the things I should despise
And everyday I am swayed
By whatever is on my mind

I hear it all depends on my faith
So I’m feeling precarious
The only problem I have with these mysteries
Is they’re so mysterious

And like a consumer I’ve been thinking
If I could just get a bit more
More than my fifteen minutes of faith
Then I’d be secure

My faith is like shifting sand
Changed by every wave
My faith is like shifting sand
So I stand on grace

I’ve begged you for some proof
For my Thomas eyes to see
A slithering staff, a leprous hand
And lions resting lazily

A glimpse of your back-side glory
And this soaked altar going ablaze
But you know I’ve seen so much
And I explained it away

Waters rose as my doubts reigned
My sand-castle faith it slipped away
Found myself standing on your grace
It’d been there all the time

This morning I had some time to myself which I have not had in a very long time. I didn't sleep last night which isn't new but was pretty sick to my stomach most of the night and every time I feel asleep I woke up from a nightmare. I went to get up for work today and thought better of it after I about threw up. So I decided it was time to sleep in for a couple hours and in that time was able to just sit in my "new" rocking chair thanks to this friend and do my devotions. Our discipleship group (ordgroup) is working through the book Spiritual Friendship by Mindy Caliguire . It is an intense book that really makes you look at friendship patterns and develop really deep spiritual friendships with others. I was thinking (and said last night) that I am so very good at being open with others. I feel like I don't really have a lot to hide so why hide it but then once I get any sense that you might betray me or hurt me (whether real or imagined) I run and I am often not nice about how I leave the friendship. This book is really scary for me because I love all the women in mydgroup and want deeper relationships with each but I am so messy. I am so moody and I realize I am a hard friend to have. I am scared of being hurt or left but as I have realized in the last couple of weeks I have run from way to many friendships and it is now time to start to really make some good deep friendships. There were several quotes I have liked so far but here is one I thought was good from one of myfav authors Henry Nouwen...

"We have probably wondered in our many lonesome moments if there is one corner in this competitive, demanding world where it is safe to be relaxed, to expose ourselves to someone else, and to give unconditionally. It might be very small and hidden. But if this corner exists, it calls for a search through the complexities of our human relationships in order to find it."

Mindy basically was saying that we need to have those places that are safe and where we can give and receive friendship in an unconditional sense but that to find that we have to search, it doesn't come easily and usually doesn't just jump out in front of you. I think we (esp in America) are so use to be busy that we no longer have times to search for those relationships. We don't have energy and well because we move so much and are so good at betraying trust we don't tend to trust others easily. It takes a lot of work to let down those walls and also to overlook those times that others hurt us. In afacebook society where we can just leave a quick message or be friends with hundreds of people but really know no one I think this type of friendship is rare. But as scared as I am about it, I am looking forward to really developing this type of relationship with these girls!

On a fun note, I got a salad container from Avon today. I'm so pumped because I have not really had anything to carry a salad into work in and this is just such a cool little thing, esp b/c it has an ice pack, silverware and a place to hold the salad dressing....

Also, as I am on a song kick (and of course it is Caedmon's) here is another song that I love by Caedmon's and I think it has something to do with both spiritual friendships and our relationship with God.

The Truth

Written by: Derek Webb
Appears on: Intimate Portrait, Guild 2

Lyrics:

I’ve been putting on and putting off too many people
And I’m getting old to live like an injured man
Ailment and unfilled prescription like the nose on my face
Like a broken boat safety raft and a love for the water
And I just can’t decide to sink or swim it’s me or them
Should I save myself or go back for the others because

Maybe there’s no gray and I was wrong to tell ‘em so
And maybe all that I’ve to do was done a long time ago

‘Cause there was life before my life
There was provision before my need
There was redemption before my sin
For the sake of the world I thank the Lord
That the truth’s not contingent on me

I’ve been dressing up and dressing down for too many people
And I’m a little young to live like a troubled boy, a troubled soul
A fish out of water, ’cause we’re all just the same
We’re all just as good and just as bad and just as distracted
By the corners of our eyes as our fathers were and theirs before
And all those before them and still I glance around

And with the way I stare you’d think I’d seen through a two-by-four
And with the way I walk you’d think I’d never seen grace before

But I’ve been putting up and putting down too many things
That I know nothing about but I’m jealous of
Holding pride as tight as I can like she was my only daughter